A sobering day.

Yes, I called my day sobering, and no, it had nothing to do with recovering from too much alcohol consumption (wow, I'm a grown up).

I've been flying pretty high on life lately. I've been very happy. Not a ridiculously goofy, newly in love type happy or anything like that... but a sustainable happy. A happy with ups and downs but a general total satisfaction with life and where I'm going in it type of happy.

I'd still say that I am on that track, but today was the lowest day thus far. I cried this morning. I felt like crying a few times throughout the day. I didn't want to be at work. I didn't want to be smiling. I didn't want to be thinking or be with people. Ideally, I wanted to get into bed, curl up, and cry. And after crying for a little, have someone come and cuddle me, and just spend the day like that.

Instead I had to put on my game face and entertain a pack of retirees and tour them through the facility where I work. Anybody who has ever experienced feeling completely defeated and lost on the inside and has had to put on their complete and total bubbly game face for hours on end knows how completely DRAINING it is.

Today was the first day in the 5 months that I've been at my job that I was just numb and that I almost just didn't care to be professional. I almost just didn't care to be a grown up. I almost just didn't care to let myself be seen as anything but positive and tough and always on top. Almost.

It nearly broke me but I kept up the act for the day. Like I said in my title, it was sobering. Things aren't going to be great every day... welcome to the real world.

It is weird, having tons of people to talk to and being with people ALL DAY, but feeling like you have nobody to talk to.